I Want A Joke Shop In Heaven
by sydneysages
Summary: For the HPFC I'm about to die challenge. Fred. Because his death isn't going to be anything normal, is it? No, he's going to be cracking jokes up till the last second.


_Haha For the HPFC I'm about to die challenge_

_I don't own anything_

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><p><em><strong>Fred…<strong>_

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><p>Wazzup, homies? That's what I, Fred Weasley, would say if I was a chav who lived in the Muggle world. But I'm not. I'm a wizard. Not entirely sure why I said that, to be honest. Must be the nerves… why am I nervous, do you ask? Well, you see, I died a little while ago and now I'm waiting to see what happens…<p>

Alright, since I _know_ you guys are all morbid, let's have a gander back at my death… wonder if I'll be able to open a joke shop here and make a buck out of my own death.

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><p><em>Back to the death…<em>

We're fighting and I'm having a bloody _great_ time! I mean, it's not everyday that you get to test out your offensive and defensive things that you made in the back of the joke shop in real life, is it? This is bloody fantastic! I'm getting to have a ball and fight the scum Death Eaters and kill them, all whilst throwing prank things _and nobody cares_!

I've thrown the darkness bombs down the corridor at advancing Death Eaters and Percy didn't care; I've pretended to be attacking someone and then use the decoy spell I made to make it appear as if we have just fallen out of the window (Percy was impressed with the magic in that one) before then throwing the Death Eaters out of the window – the result was a bit messy there; I have even made the owl dropping pie drop on the top of the heads of one of those Slytherin turncoats who left through Aberforth's before then coming back to fight on _his_ side… well, Percy wasn't too pleased about that last one because he got a bit of owl droppings on him but I don't care.

"Perce, to the left!" I shout across to my brother, who instantly moves to the right: survival tip 101 in the Weasley household – if anyone but our Mother says anything, always do the opposite. And, a bonus is that the Death Eaters (poor numbskulls with no brains in there whatsoever) get confused, poor souls, and then react in the opposite way to what they should do.

"And that is an _awfully_ big spider up above you!" I continue, basically telling him to do a quick press up on the floor whilst I shoot a toy rat out of the end of my wand at the dude who was trying to attack my brother. This gets the Death Eater all nice and panicked, which is always a good thing, whilst Percy jumps back up from his little emotional reunion with the Hogwarts floor and turns him into a little beetle which he then proceeds to squish with his foot.

"What?" he asks as he realises I am laughing at him. "I don't like killing people… but bugs are a different matter!" he explains his reasoning as to why he turned the cloaked fool into a bug.

"I wasn't complaining, Perce," I say, shrugging my shoulders. "I was liking the peace and quiet anyway," I continue, before shooting a little colour changing spell at the rather manly Death Eater in front of us… nothing major, mind, just changing his skin entirely to the colour of pink and his clothes purple.

"I have to say, Fred, your aim has improved since the other year!" Percy comments but I roll my eyes, not seeing the relevance.

"So has your face but I'm not saying anything," I grin, wondering whether this will be enough to make him think that he wants to go back and join his boss, Thicknesse.

However, he simply grins slightly and nods, launching himself into attacking another former colleague who I know by sight, not by name. To be perfectly honest, to know his name would depress me more than _not_ knowing his name, to be quite frank.

"Good one, Perce!" I say in encouragement, just as the golden trio (so they say they are called… personally, I think they're just miscreants trying to live up to the names of Fred and George) emerge around the corner…

… at the same time, it appears that the person Percy is duelling (love that word; it makes us sound so strong and amazing) is his boss, who is now, according to Percy's words, his _ex_ boss. I continue to duel my Death Eater for a while, before I get enough of an upper hand to talk.

"You're joking, Perce!" I shout loudly, as us two and another person's stunning spells cause my Death Eater to fall to the ground. I don't think I _want_ to look at Thicknesse's face but if it's anything like what Percy used to be able to do to people, it aint gonna be pretty!

I look across at my brother with a distinct sense of ecstasy, not just that we are winning here but actually working as a team, when we haven't been one for so long. I want to verbalise this but I prefer jokes and humour than this serious situation, especially when we're in such an exciting situation.

"You actually _are_ joking, Perce… I don't think I've heard you joke since you were-" I begin, until everything happens in slow motion. It's so slow, it's like watching one of the photos in the Daily Prophet, but with a Confundus charm on it – believe me, it's slow.

The wall shakes and explodes within the same second, I think, but to me it seems like a lifetime. It half reminds me of the times when my Mum is shouting at me: I know she isn't talking for long but it takes _forever_ for her to finish. I can see everything abstractly, knowing that I have absolutely no chance of outrunning it. This is my last few seconds on earth: until the rubble from this side of the castle falls down on me, I am a dead man walking. I am going to die but I can't do anything to prevent it: I don't even have the time to raise my arm.

It's ironic, isn't it, that I spent seven years (well, almost, thanks to Umbridge) here trying to destroy the walls, to bring the castle to its knees (figuratevely, of _course_, I mean not even _Hogwarts_ has knees!) but now I am being brought down underneath it, I want it to stand for another thousand years.

I never realised before just how much I love Hogwarts. Not only is it the place where I have spent the majority of my life, really, but it's the place where me and George managed to bring our business plan together… it's the place where Weasley Wizard Wheezes came to life and, now, it is where it is reborn, under the name of George Weasley. He is the sole inventor now, him with his missing lug…

Shame, almost, that I (the one who has the unblemished body) am not surviving… but, everything happens for a reason, I supposed.

In the last second before I die, I flick my fingers out and release my last weapon in my hands: the little tapeworm that burrows itself into the ear of the nearest enemy and nestles there forever.

I shut my eyes as the pile of bricks and mortar comes crashing over my body and I realise that this is it. I am dead. I felt no pain, simply moved from one world to the next. I am dead.

I'm serious… I need to get a good joke shop up and running here, if this is where I am going to spend eternity!

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><p><em>Whatcha think?<em>

_I tried to make it as humorous as possible, as that is how I think Fred would be…_

… _please review_

_Vicky xx_


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